I'm A Damn Idiot
by Rhyno Holter
Summary: There are some things you don't want to believe. Some things you want to force out of your mind, you know? R&R!


_A/N: Funny, when I want to write comedy I have to force myself even though I love such things. When I want to write depressing stories, I rise at the chance. Damn everything involved with this fic (although I thank Michael Saniyan for introducing me to the Vocaloid song whose lyrics I adapted). If you're familiar with said song, the reason I changed "majo-ka" to "Madoka" in the story… there's no rhythmic way to adapt "witchification" to three syllables in the English language. It was just a letter off from Madoka, so I used that to the story's advantage, yeah?_

_All the dialogue is official dub dialogue. I've made some minor creative changes, but it's what they actually say**.** I think I might well overdose on PMMM at this rate. **For realz.** Also, thanks to The Moiderah of Writing for being my beta this time. I rushed this story.  
_

* * *

There are some things you don't want to believe. Some things you want to force out of your mind, you know? But you can't undo what's been done. Everything happens for a reason. You can only move forward, right?

Or, you know, not move at all. Just let the world move on around you. Take me for example. Here I am, sitting on this train destined for nowhere, listening to these two long-haired hosts prattle on about their goings on in life. Do they realize how small their lives are? Do they think about how important their problems are compared to the world? No. No one does, myself included. But I lack the luxury of ignorance.

Life sucks, then you die. That's a saying I only heard the depressed on TV say, or maybe the girls in theatre class rehearsing dramatic lines for Faust or something like that. It never really rung true until recently. I don't even know why it's such serious business now. I've only been a magical girl – a Puella Magi, I guess – for a short bit. I wanted to be a hero.

Too bad heroes don't really exist.

_Mado, Mado, Madoka…_

Why am I thinking her name? She has nothing to do with this…Well, that may not be entirely true. That stupid transfer student said everything had to do with her. Kyubey said she would become the most powerful magical girl _ever_. They were freakin' obsessed! Even Mami seemed to care more for Madoka than she did for me… because really, who am I compared to her? Madoka, Madoka, Madoka. What am I even doing when she's here? Why did I even do this in the first place?

_Everything I did to help the one that I love  
One simple wish, a prayer from above,  
Called upon an angel who had power to make miracles_

Oh yeah, that's right… Kyosuke. I did it for Kyosuke. I didn't think I was being selfish, but I understand now that I really was. I didn't just want to help him**,** I wanted his thanks. Mami-san warned me against that, right? We should know not to make wishes for anyone but ourselves, because it always turns out bad.

Wait, those weren't Mami's words, were they? They didn't sound like them. They sounded more like Kyoko's words. But then, Kyoko knew Mami it seemed… That's sad that my memories of them sound so similar.

"_I will keep the peace, protect this town  
Anything you say, you can't bring me down."  
The girl said she believed, then she smiled. Oh, what a smile!_

I was so damn excited. I didn't know the price of a miracle then, what it would cost me. I just wanted to help, to be an ally of justice like Mami, to stop the evil witches from doing such terrible things to the world. I, Magical Girl Sayaka, was going to protect everyone in Mitakihara City… or die trying!

Things don't always go as planned though. I knew more than I should have known. This isn't a fairy tale. Right and wrong don't exist as a magical girl. There are the normal ones and there are the exceptions. I wanted to be different when I learned what "real" magical girls did. I would be the only one who didn't use her powers for herself.

_Fare-thee-well, my dear, the one I love the most  
This tragic heart's such a kind host_

Kyosuke… he deserved someone like Hitomi more than he deserved me. I'm supposed to be the hero, right? Come on. You need to learn to stop being so selfish**,** Sayaka! Just because you saw them… together… you didn't even hear what she told him! She might have confessed _for _you, Sayaka! She was the better friend, after all!

No, she wouldn't have. That kind of thinking's for idiots. She gave me plenty of time, more time than I deserved. She didn't want me to regret anything. I hate her timing, but then really timing's got nothing to do with it. I had all the time in the world, going to see him pretty much every day.

_This wasn't how I once imagined it'd be  
But oh well, it's too late for me  
So I'm sinking; if only someone could save me!_

I can't lie, though. It feels pretty terrible to have regrets, ya know? Kind of gives me a hollow feeling. Makes you want to go back in time and undo the whole thing. That's impossible, though. And really, what good would it accomplish? What was there to undo?

If I never made that wish, would Kyosuke ever get better? I don't think he would. It's not a happy thought, but it's definitely a realistic one. I refuse to let myself be ignorant about this, dammit.

The rush of the train made my ears hurt. I didn't realize how loud they were. Maybe it was because it was so silent otherwise, and that it was so late. Evening time wasn't fun. Nighttime**,** _period__**,**_ wasn't fun. It was at night when I hurt Madoka. It was at night when I found out that I was nothing more than a zombie.

Fuck the night.

_I can't stop myself here, I'm drowning  
The music's gone, but I still want to sing  
I was stupid, I was stupid…  
I've been such a fool!_

I'm not an idiot, right? You just need to snap out of it, Sayaka! You believe, don't you, that you can use your powers to help people? Don't cry, Sayaka. You have no idea how much people care for you, how many people would be sad if you were gone. How many people are sad now?

What if _no one_ is?

Well, okay. Yeah, there's that possibility. What if, the longer I stay out here… no, what if me staying away brings everyone closer together? That's so bittersweet. I'd be the reason they're brought together, which is happy in and of itself, but then when I'm back… then what? Will they leave, just pat themselves on the back and leave? What good will I have done, in the long run? It was because of me that my parents split up, right? Maybe I should stay away as long as I can, try to bring them back together. It's only been, what, a few years?

My eyes are starting to hurt from holding back all the tears. I really should let myself have a good cry. Maybe a few days' worth of tears, drown the whole world with me.

_I'd rather let my tears overwhelm me  
If only everybody would let me be  
Cuz I'm stupid, oh so stupid,  
I was such a fool._

Wasn't I, though? Come on, I shouldn't deny it. For all the good I may have been doing…

A sudden rush of sound passed my window, breaking me from my self-depreciating thoughts. Ha, thank God. I turned to see that we were passing other trains again. How many times do these trains circle their respective routes before they're done for the night? Those wheels must be damn near used up. Maybe I'll find out before the night's over.

Or maybe someone will come looking. Madoka cared too much to let me on my own for this long. She was probably looking for me right now. I could just apologize to her, maybe. She was way too forgiving, Madoka was.

_Mado, Mado, Madoka_

There it is again. Her name. She's not the reason I'm suffering, no. I hurt _her_, not the other way around. Why does my conscience have to keep bringing that up?

Dammit, I'm really trying to forget it all. I can dull the pain. I know I can, much better than any of the other girls. It makes me feel strong. It's the _only_ way I can feel strong. Madoka thinks that it hurts, but it doesn't. I'm fine. I can handle it. It's the only way.

_Would it be alright if I just gave him my soul?  
Watching from afar, and he'd never know...  
That's not what I wanted, and he left me lying here with a broken heart_

But there are still kind people left in the world. I know that. Even with all the terrible things left, there's still _good_.

"No way man." My thoughts were interrupted by one of the men on the opposite side of the seats. My thoughts disappeared entirely and I couldn't help but listen in. "You can't let that dumb slut make excuses like that. You gotta make her hand _all_ her cash over."

Wait, what? What did he say? My mind leaves my thoughts completely and I focus on their conversation now, my body completely frozen.

"Dumb bitches," he continued, as though on some important political rant. "Soon as they get their hands on some coin, they blow it all on some stupid shit _for real!_"

The other of the men laughed. "Seriously, G!" I hate how thug they think they're acting. Stupid, chauvinistic men thinking they're all cool. "You can't treat them like they have any brains, that's for sure! Treat 'em like the dumbass bitches they are!" I could just imagine him raising his thumb at himself, posing like some champion. "My hoe's so dumb, she frickin' loves it like that! I just tell her 'I'll bust your shit,' and she shuts right up!"

_Any bit of hope that I can say I have left,  
Where's it tucked away? Am I no longer blessed?  
All this rain caused me pain, pierced my skin, ripped my soul__ apart_

As they laugh at their own twisted sense of humor, I let out a silent gasp. I've never felt so hollow in my life. I hate them. They can't be human.

"You let up on them," the first one continued, "and they're all like, wantin' to get married." He spoke the last word as though he were about to choke on it, as though marriage was the worst thing in the world. "Can't be soft man, can't be soft! I'm all like, 'You think a shit-for-brains hoe like you is gonna be making as much in ten years? That body ain't gonna last forever, you know.'" He tutted in disapproval.

_Crimson tears are the worst I've ever shed  
It's troublesome, what's in my head_

My mind's in two places at once. I'm fighting that witch – Elsa Maria, I think? – in a barrier that was nothing but monochrome. Black and white. Then, just as suddenly, I'm seeing nothing but red. There was pain involved, but I blocked it. Tucked it away. It was easy to understand why I was seeing red them. This place is similar, the lighting is terrible but… why am I starting to see nothing but red now?

This hurts to listen to. It hurts to know that girls are really being treated this way. I have to get away from these two. I have to get the hell away. I stand up to move to another car, or at least a seat that was as far away as possible from these two psychos.

_I've pushed it away, what was once dear to me  
I can't let you kind souls near me  
I'll destroy this world... before I let it destroy me!_

"And then you dump 'em, and they get all _whiny!"_ The second one laughed at his own ingenious observation. "You know who's good at dumping hoes? Sho, man. Sho! That motherf—"

I stop in my tracks. How _dare_ they? Yeah, there's no way I can let these guys talk shit about those girls any longer. I can't stand anymore. I clear my throat loudly. Both men look at me, confused. Apparently they didn't realize there was an audience.

"Hey you." I turn heel and walk toward them, hiding my anger.

_There's no pain as long as I stand tall  
Trust me when I say I don't hurt at all  
I was stupid, I was stupid…  
Tell me I'm a fool!_

They stare at me, both of them, mouth agape. They seem to be reconsidering their words. Funny, the effect an underage girl has on the mind of a grown man.

I break the silence. "I want to know more about your girl."

"What… the..?" The first one laughs nervously.

Are they that dense? "I want to know more about the girl you guys were talking about. Tell me more about her." I turn away, unable to look at these pitiful wastes of humanity.

They laugh. "You're like, in middle school, kid! You should be home in bed."

I ignore their quip. "Your girlfriend? I bet she loves you and tries really hard to make you happy doesn't she? I bet you know she does, don't you? But instead of saying thanks, you sit there calling her a bitch… and dump her when she gets old."

_All that could have hurt me, I asked for  
I'll swear I'll never feel the pain anymore  
Am I stupid? Am I stupid?  
I guess I'm a fool._

I double over, my chest hurting like hell. I barely register that they're asking each other if they know me. I feel the train putting on its brakes, rocking its cars back and forth.

Is this world even worth protecting? Are these people worth saving? I'm clueless. I don't know anymore. I **need** to know. What have I been fighting for this whole time? Was it all for nothing? Is this world just going to be laid to waste, all its sinners turned to ash? Do we as a whole _deserve_ all the despair we get?

I'm not sure if I was thinking out loud. I couldn't tell the real world from my imagination.

"Answer me," I mutter to them either way. Their faces, barely illuminated by the passing lights, look as though they'd seen a monster. I start trembling. I start getting goose bumps on the back of my neck. I'm suddenly very, very cold. Their eyes widen as they stare dumbfounded at me. "Come on, tell me." _Please. "Or else…_"

I don't remember finishing the sentence. I closed my eyes for just a moment, trying to stop myself from shaking, but when I opened them again I could see only my outstretched arm, sword in hand, my blade dressed in blood.

* * *

I sit here alone on this bench. The billboard behind me is the only light in the entire station. I feel empty. I feel like shit. And if there's anything I know, it's that it's all been my fault. I pushed everyone away. I have no excuses.

Something cold, something freezing, grips my heart tightly and doesn't let go. I feel my Soul Gem pulsate in my palms. It hurts a bit, but I can block it out. I can always block it out. It doesn't have to hurt. I'm not allowed to have regrets.

_Though I try to hold my tears back…  
Cry with the strength I have left in my voice,  
Can't say goodbye, but I don't have a choice...!_

There is no sound but my breathing. I can feel my heart beat slow down inside me, not quite calm. How can I even have a heart? I'm nothing but a zombie now.

Footsteps break the silence, echoing as someone comes closer and closer to my position. I refuse to raise my head and acknowledge my visitor. A figure sits down next to me, chuckling weakly as she does so. I have a feeling I already know who she is.

"Finally, I found you."

**Her** again. Dammit, why wouldn't she leave me alone? Does she think I'm grateful that she saved me from Homura? She should have let me die. She hated me, didn't she? Doesn't matter that she cared enough to tell me her little sob story, or that she tried to rescue me and show me how to fight. She's not a hero. There are perfectly logical explanations for those incidents – I mean, she's selfish, she wants nothing more than her own satisfaction. She wanted me to owe her, or some such thing.

_I can't stop myself here, I'm drowning  
The music's gone, but I still want to sing__  
__I was stupid, I was stupid…  
I've been such a fool!_  


"So," she said as she opened up a can of what I assumed to be Pringles, "how much longer are you gonna do the stubborn thing, huh?"

Well… maybe I was wrong. Ugh, if my heart wasn't so torn up it would piss me the hell off. I just mumbled, "I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble."

"Seriously? Doesn't sound like you at all." She spoke as she chewed, which normally would have bothered me, but I dunno. I must be too out of it for it to bother me. It's actually kind of… soothing, how someone can have so much have happened to her and still seem so careless.

Dammit, why do I feel worse now? She's only trying to help, right?

No she's not, I remind myself. She doesn't give a damn about anyone who believes in justice. To hell with her. I'm a lost cause anyway.

I looked over to glare at her, my eyes probably bloodshot. I didn't expect to see a kind smile on her face, a look of understanding on her face. How weird.

"Yeah, you're right. I guess I just don't care anymore," I tell her. She keeps eating her food, not moving out of her seat or even thinking to leave. I fold my arms and clench my sleeves tightly, as if to rip my arms off. "I can't remember what I thought was so important… what was worth protecting, you know?" A single sigh escapes my lips, though to me it sounded more I was struggling to breathe. "It's all a blank now. It doesn't make sense anymore."

_I'd rather let my tears overwhelm me  
If only everybody would let me be__  
__Cuz I'm stupid, oh so stupid,  
I know I'm a fool, I finally know I'm a fool_

I have no clue why I'm admitting this all to her. Am I returning the favor? She told me her story, so now I'm gonna tell her mine? It's fine. It's whatever.

"Hey, come on…" she musters up after a moment. I look over and see the look of concern across her face. I hadn't noticed she'd stopped eating. Didn't seem like her at all.

I let my fingers stretch out, opening my hand. My Soul Gem, still pulsating in my hands, hardly lets out any light. She has to lean closer just to see it clearly, but when she does she lets out a gasp. I can't stop myself from smiling. After all, it's hard not to see why – my gem's more black than blue now, more despair than hope. It must be terrifying for her.

"Balance means good and bad have to zero themselves out, right?" The words come out naturally, as if I was on autopilot. I don't even know what I'm going to say, I just know that I'm saying it. "That's what you said… or something like it. I think I understand what you mean now.

"The good thing is… I _did_ save a few people." I sniffle a bit. "But the bad thing is I got angrier, and my heart filled up with envy… and hate. It got so bad that I even hurt my best friend." I narrow my eyes, trying to hold back tears as I admit my true feelings, feelings I'd been trying to avoid for days now. How could I **ever** admit what I really felt? How dare I shed tears? How pathetic!

"Sayaka," she whispers tenderly, reaching out to me. "Your Soul Gem…" I pull away from her hand, letting out a hollow breath. It dawns on me that I've been wrong about everything involving this girl. She really did care. She cared about what was happening to me. But why me? I _still_ don't get it. I don't deserve it. Come on, leave me alone. Go away. You don't need to see this, you've seen enough already haven't you?

Unable to stop myself, I repeat to her what she'd told me. "For all the happiness you wish for someone, someone else gets cursed with equal misery."

_I can't stop myself here, I'm drowning…_

"That's how it works for magical girls, and that's how it is for me."

_I was stupid, I was stupid,  
I was such a fool!_

I turn and face her, my eyes filled with tears. I try to finish, but I just sigh and turn forward as the tears stream down my cheeks and into my palms. I turn my head once more, my smile quivering, and open my mouth to say something else. I pause when I catch a glimpse of her eyes.

Her eyes, those crimson rubies that still reflected what little light there was. Those were eyes that knew pain. That fiery gaze she always wore vanished, as if it were never there. That made me feel worse that I thought was possible. Oh God, what have I done? She only wanted to help me, this beautiful girl who gave up everything because she loved her family. And she lost what she loved because of it. We deserved some good in our lives, right? Maybe it hadn't quite balanced out yet. I wanted to put my own petty problems aside and comfort her, be there for her like she tried to be for me. Or maybe we could comfort each other.

Yeah, I'd be okay with that. I needed someone like her, someone to knock some sense into me, someone who I could try to knock some sense into too. Suddenly, I felt a twinge of hope. I felt almost better. I tried to meet her gaze, to tell her it was okay and that everything was going to be alright, but she wasn't looking at me. Not my face, anyway. Her eyes were locked on what I was holding, wide with horror. I blinked, suddenly overcome with numbness, and looked down at my hands.

It struck me that I should be dying, or dead, or something like that. I didn't expect my gem to have shattered in my hands, nor did I expect a Grief Seed – _my _Grief Seed – to take its place. A few bubbles floated toward the ceiling, a deep roar was stuck in my throat. Music erupted from all sides. I had to find the source of it – where was it coming from? It was pretty. Beautiful, really.

_I'd rather let my tears overwhelm me__…_

"**Sayaka!"** I heard her cry. It never reached me. I didn't understand. Why was she crying? Why couldn't she just shut up and let the music play?

_I was stupid, I was stupid,  
I was such a fool!_

Immense power coursed through the room, drowning me as my body fell limply to the floor. I was no longer bound by humanity's laws, but I knew I wasn't free. Would I ever be? My every insecurity, all of my despair, they were crushing my insides and reshaping everything I was, and am, and ever would be. My soul melted, my body seemingly swept away in the tide of magical energies. I couldn't breathe. I stopped breathing altogether. I was no longer a magical _girl_. In an instant, for an instant, everything in the world made perfect sense.

Kyoko loved me. She loved… _me_.

But it was too late. I was in love with someone else. And he would never be mine.

Everyone conspired against me, dead set on keeping us apart. Hitomi, Kyoko, even Madoka…

_Mado, Mado, Madoka._

_**Mado, Mado, Madoka.**_

Though it felt more like an eternity, for just a moment I snapped out of my own self-centered thoughts. It was always for **her**. _Everything._ _**Always.**_

It's like I said: there are some things you don't want to believe. But I know it to be true now, what I am and what I'd become. And you know what? I hated it. I hated all of it, and this world, and everyone in it. I loved her, she was my best friend! But she was the reason Kyosuke and I… we were doomed! Even as I looked up at him, playing on stage, being the prince I dreamed of... who was always there beside me? Her. We could never be together because of _**her. **_Her every decision, _**her every damn choice**_. Why didn't I see it before? How could I have been so clueless?

I guess I'm a damn idiot. A fool. A moron... no. No, none of those are good enough, not nearly strong enough.

I was stupid... s_o stupid._


End file.
